Locating Us!

Find us by car, bicycle, or by walking

3714 Holt Ave.
St. Louis, MO 63116
Planet, Earth

Find us by boat

Taking a boat to us is a little tricky but this will get you the closest. First of all, you must get to the Mississippi and then it’s only one turn off the river. Since there are not River signs on the river (as far as I know) please look for the River City Casino which is South of St. Louis. It’s really nice which means a lot of people lose money there. We don’t recommend it as it is better to spend your money on beer. North of River City is St. Louis’ main drainage for our city and we have so much drainage we need a river called “River Des Peres” or River of Fathers. I don’t often see boats, actually I have never seen a boat on it so please check local ordinances. But you probably could dock your boat close to Morganford (there may or may not be water in the ditch at this point...depends on the rain) and then walk North until Chippewa. At Chippewa turn right and then take the first Left at Holt. Easy Peasy! Also, be careful if you dock your boat and it is going to rain. And I reiterate the obvious, check local ordinances The Civil Life is not to be responsible for lost boats.

Find us by plane

This used to be easier than the boat option but due to increased security it may actually take more time. First of all, go to nearest airport. When you arrive, find the bar and ask for a beer. Drink beer. Then proceed to someone that stands behind a computer and is typing madly into computer. Note: typically this person is not thrilled to see you but be nice as they are one immediate thing that is standing between you and the Civil Life. You can say things like, “Hey, how are you today?” To which the response is generally indifferent. Don’t take it personally, just remember you must get to the Civil Life. Don’t make any stupid jokes about anything, they have heard it all and all of them are a bit jumpy these days. Just smile and say, “I would like a ticket to Lambert Airport in St. Louis.” Sometimes, you do arrive and find someone quite pleasant. It is simply because that person has been to the Civil Life. Don’t pack too much, you will be spending most of the time in a pub and no one here will really care if you have the latest purse, expensive suit or even bling. In fact, just be casual. What people will care about is simply that you drink good beer and are able to hold a conversation. Please note: Do not leave without your liver and if they make you check it please tip so they do not misplace it. This happened to my friend Larry and it took him over two years to get it back. After arriving in St. Louis, utilize the first map on this page.

Find us by Space Ship

Now this one is probably the trickiest of all and much of this depends on how well you can land your space vehicle. First of all look for something that looks like a blue and green marble. See picture to the right. Now the last two space ships have missed the turn and ended up on Venus which lacks some of the amenities earth provides. In particular, water. And since there is no water, that’s right, there is no beer on Venus or even Mars which means there is absolutely no reason to go to either of them. However, neither of them have crime problems so they have that going for them. Once we are in your sights please see Boat directions above.

So once you pass Mars you best be looking out your window because Earth is really not far considering how far you have already traveled. Your next big landmark is this thing people on earth call the moon you may call it whatever you like but just don’t call it Cheese. That’s just ridiculous. I am not sure how to describe the United States to you but if you are reading this chances are good you can find us on the map. Proceed to the Find us by Boat map. There is a good spot North of River Des Peres which is a large open field that you can park in. Best come at night as you can blend in with the lights on the River City Casino. As noted above: Please print picture on right out before you leave, I don’t want to hear about it if you miss a turn. Also, practice saying this before you arrive. Hello Earthlings. I would like to buy everyone in this bar a beer. (This is a really nice gesture) We do have an ATM on site but most certainly this will only confuse you or remind you of friends back home. In your case, we will barter for space stuff but none of that space junk will be accepted. We have enough already.

Also, if you see Will Smith and you most certainly will as he will most probably be a regular. Start reciting these lyrics, “Now, this is the story all about how My life got flipped-turned upside down And I'd like to take a minute Just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.” Then quickly proceed to nearest exit like nothing happened and make no mention at all of July 4th.

Hover Craft directions coming soon!!