POLITE NOTICE: You can tell from this upside down video that we don't have the resources yet to pay web-designers. I may try to fix this at some point but honestly the State of the Beer Union is best viewed standing on your head.
9/23/15
Once a year on our anniversary, I give a tongue in cheek “State of the Beer Union Address” which culminates in our releasing a new logo for the year. The guy with two mugs always stays around. We'll cycle through the others from time to time but for the most part we will use the 2015 logo throughout the year. The hope has always been that as the business grew we would add additional characters over the years and everyone would know the year they started coming to the Civil Life. It would also be a visual representation of us gathering people along the way. Our crowd this year must have been well over 2 million, luckily I had ordered 3 portable restrooms this year rather than 2. This is the first time I have posted a speech but something like a thousand people have asked for it. If anyone has a video please let me know.
I would also like to give a special thanks to our staff and the volunteers that worked so hard so I didn’t have to worry about one thing on this day.
All the best and thanks to you for being part of the Civil Life by drinking the Civil Life,
Jake
Captain of the Barley Ship
Polite notice: We have people behind me that hold up the Applause signs, one said Apple Sauce and one was really well written by Dylan’s son. I leave my directions to myself in the speech just in case, I get moving too fast.. The speech usually is deemed finished a few minutes before it is given. This year that was at 2:53 and began at 3:08. One copy is given to Kerry and Colleen who read and hold up the signs at appropriate times. All follow their lead. Kerry said next year, I probably could skip the applause signs as it seems people were doing it enough on their own. I personally will keep them because it lends itself to the light hearted comic nature of what the speech is about.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE, APPLE SAUCE
Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Mr. Beer Whisperer, Dylan Mosley, My lovely wife, Colleen, our incredible employees Brendan, Brandon, Tony, Chris, Joe, Kari, Erin, Brandon, Sadie, Patrick, Kerry Feld, who really doesn’t work here, Michael that also doesn’t work here but made us Jenga Blocks, Larry, Curly, Moe, heads of state, our esteemed Civil Life patrons and a huge we couldn’t do it without you thank you to all the volunteers we have today that are helping us pull off this event.
Today we extend a warm South City welcome to two real live Englishmen guests Kevin and Steve seated by the Union Jack whom after reading about the Civil Life Anniversary Party on the grand interwebs immediately purchased two nonrefundable flights and hopped the pond. RAISE HAND. I must apologize on behalf of the Civil Life if Dylan shakes your hand oddly when he introduces himself today. I had informed him on Tuesday that two chaps from the Mothership were coming to our party. We also received word yesterday that our 7 foot tall Irish Friend Shamus was bringing two guests from a far away place called “Land of the long white cloud.” Some of you call it New Zealand. A warm welcome to Pam and Allen Sycamore, I apologize for not having a New Zealand flag here but we do have this kiwi that Colleen bought this morning for 155 cents.
COLLEEN GIVE KIWI TO THEM Ceremoniously.
There is only one man that has traveled farther today to be here. The great Dylan Mosley has returned from the first ever inter-galactic beer mission we sent him on last year. His presence is evidence of his survival.
There is much good to report this year. Dylan and Brandon, our Beverly Hills 90210 brewers, attended the Great American beer fest in 2014 and brought back a gold medal for our Rye Pale.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLE SAUCE
We have entered 5 beers again this year and Dylan and Brandon will head back to Denver next weekend. They have assured me that they will bring not just 1, not 2, not 3 or 4 but at least 5 shirts that say, “My Beverly Hills 90210 employees went to GABF and all they brought me was 5 of these damn t-shirts.”
In January, we unveiled our unity coaster which depicts people of different skin colors clicking two mugs of beer… a sign that this city that had endured so much is ready to heal but we all know in order to heal we must we heal and move forward together. In April we payed homage to a friend of man-kind, the late Brian Hencel, and re-named one of the best beers the 90210 brewers have ever produced. The Southern English Brown was forever righteously re-named “The Great Hencini” in Brian’s honor.
On June 26th of this year the supreme court of this great land decided that Bert and Ernie could marry legally. On June 28th For the first time since we opened we took down our proud pirate flag and flew the Gay pride St. Louis flag
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE.
We sincerely thank the many gay and lesbian neighbors, friends and drinkers that have supported the Civil Life for so many years. The Civil Life would not exist if it weren’t for your big hearts, your strong livers and of course your disposable income. Among many things, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for caring for St. Louis’ most historic neighborhoods, for the work you did tastefully rehabbing our brick long before Pinterest and Etsy existed. I hope in your eyes this city and it’s civil citizens someday give back to you all you have given to it.
For all that the civil life and it’s patrons have endured, for all the grit and hard work required to get through this past year, for all the tasks that lie ahead, know this.
The State of the Beer Union is strong and the foundation on which this business has been built is as strong as a mighty sycamore tree. (Previous two paragraphs paraphrased from an actual state of the union address)
Applause, Applause Apple Sauce
But we must acknowledge for all the change that has passed over this great land, our work is not done, we have miles to go and millions of beers to drink together. And those seeds of change that began over 4 years ago were set in motion here in this pub on this big blue marble. They were set in motion in God’s or if you are so inclined the Spaghetti Monsters best and most important gift to the world. This here Roman, English, Irish, German inspired pub.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
I must now, ask for your support. An election year is upon us and many, many people are running this year. A two party controlled system is not enough for the people of this great land. So many people are running that last week I turned on the television and I put a shrimp on the Bobby, started cruising the list, by golly Huckabee, I got rick rolled damn near Rand out the door just in time to see Carson and John when I wanted Johnny Carson, and then I saw a man with two first names tie one on, turn beat red and try to fire a bitter Grump who was trying to tell us all that the reason Georgie’s Spanish speaking brother was lacking big energy was because he was caught smoking with Billy and puffed enough of the magic dragon that he looked across the way to the other party to see an old muppet resembling Bernie repeating the same power to the people message he’s been doing for seven years while Hillary, whose been running for 8 years keeps trying to act like she never knew that the infamous low life man named Ben Gazi that sat behind her in college. He was the same Ben Gazi who’s only 15 minutes of fame was playing the actor that drove the terrorist van in Back to the Future. Remember Doc saying ”Marty, the Libyans.”
I might have been wasted while I was wasting time watching that debate. Ladies and Gentleman I realize the onion isn’t sponsoring these debates but I must ask the question, is the Onion sponsoring these debates?
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
The time is now because what other time could it be, I re-affirm my commitment to you and your strong livers, I, Jake Hafner, chief and sole debtor of this great company am running yet again for the head of the National Beer Party.
Our mostly two party system isn’t enough for the people of this great land. We need a strong third party. A party as big and strong as our Big American Stout as nuanced as the Great Hencini and yet as peaceful as the Angel and the S word.
Our platform remains the same,
As your soon to be leader of the National Beer party I will work tirelessly to increase the federal minimum wage so that hard working people will have more money to buy Civil Life Beer, I will work with my lovely wife to improve this great city’s affordable housing so that hard working people will have better places to drink Civil Life Growlers, I will work to reduce the ever increasing cost of college so that students have more money to buy Civil Life Beer, I will work towards a single payer health care system that puts people before profits so those people will have more money to buy Civil Life Beer.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
But my strongest campaign promise is simple, I will save and protect our pubs. In the first year after my election, I pledge to you that the government will be accountable to the same fine level of service you expect from our nations great pubs. Our pubs never shut down due to squabbling and political posturing and when I am elected to lead, Neither will our government. I will insure that your wait in line at any government office is as short as your wait in line at the Civil Life. Our government will follow the high standards our nations great pubs have set. We will be transparent, abolish discontent, fight back the unpleasant, serve 100% and be omnipresent.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
But I need your continued support at the Civil Life so I can have the necessary resources to make this run for office.
It’s you the fearless Civil Life drinker that asks relentlessly for our beer at every pub you go. It’s you that bring your kids here to teach them how to act in pubs. Some of you seem to be doing a better job at this than others. It’s you who let us open in this great neighborhood and It’s you who have moved to the neighborhood because we were here and it’s you that we will not let down. It’s you I think of when we turn the lights on every morning and off every night.
You have taken our malt driven brewery to new heights because this last year was no doubt our pubs best year.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
This past Wednesday, I had a great conversation with our regular Derek that made me think of how far we have come in such short time. We began to discuss the difference between human years, dog years and business years. In human years we have just turned a mere 4, in dog years we are now 28 and in Business years we are 65. But fear not we have no plans to retire. We have no plans to give up this fight. We are just beginning our golden coin years. Our work and your drinking here has really only just begun.
If you come by this pub frequently, which as the pubs owner I whole heartedly recommend, you will find a cadre of Civil Life drinkers. Regulars of this great pub are known to become friends of regulars of this great pub, they become friends of our staff, they form the foundation, the rock of Gibralter on which we will build a bigger even better pub around. Our English friends here will again notice how I effortlessly mentioned a British Overseas territory while we’re in what was once a British overseas territory.
A strong business is built like a massive slow moving train, capable of moving millions of miles and capable of picking up hundreds of thousands of passengers. A train so well built and stable that knocking it off the tracks just isn’t possible. Sure others have at great expense built more expensive trains, spent thousands or millions on promoting their trains, trains with the ability to move across the land at break neck speeds. But it is those trains whose tracks are unsteady that we worry about. You may get on one of these trains some day and get caught up in all the fancy colors and big promotional budgets. One day the train is green, one day it is red, one day it is expensive to ride, one day it isn’t, one day you are on the train and you think is this the train I chose.
All aboard the Civil Life train, Our train is focused. Our train is passionate. Our train is determined. It’s the Big engine that could drink. We have yet one destination. We have yet one goal. We have only one dream.
That any table and any tap list in this great nation of ours isn’t complete until it has Genuine Civil Life Beer!
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
Now is the time, that we will begin a yearly tradition at the Civil Life Brewery in this great South City neighborhood in which we bestow on one great regular the highest honor we as a brewery can give to any one.
The Civil Life time achievement award will be awarded annually to an individual who has shown a selfless commitment to this great pub, this person must be able to consume copious amounts of Civil Life beer, this person must care for the common human and for the common cartoon character, most important this person must be kind to his or her fellow men and women. Each and every year from here to forward, this person will be chosen by a Civil Life Committee consisting of Jacob Hafner and Jake Hafner and that every year Jake Hafner will be solely responsible for presenting this award. Jake Hafner will now present this award. May I have the envelope please. Yes you may. Thank you. SHOW TOP SECRET ENVELOPE TO CROWD
This Civil Life time achievement award from here to forward will be named the “Justine and Pete Hafner Memorial award even though they are still alive award” for their great work in foolishly letting me loose into this world. Once a year on this day as they did for many days while I was growing up, my proud parents try to figure out what happened to me and why I talk so funny. South City English I say.
The green box made in Pakistan please. COLLEEN HOLD BOX TOWARDS ME.
LIFT MUG OUT OF BOX, HOLD UPSIDE DOWN. WAIT. THEN HOLD RIGHT SIDE UP
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
OPEN ENVELOPE. This years winner is Jake Hafner everyone Jake Hafner… ..
BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO
I kid. I kid, I Kid. This years recipient is none other than Dutchtown’s own most honorable citizen Josef Allhoff responsible for making so many of South City more colorful people.
Joe please come up and accept your award.
Applause, applause, Apple sauce.
COLLEEN FILL MUG WITH COMMON ALE
Joe Allhoff it is with great honor we bestow this award on you. You are solely responsible for the incredible logos by which so many millions of people are introduced to us. You are a great supporter of not only this pub and brewery but all the great pubs and all the great breweries in this town. If Joe frequents a pub, you can be sure it is the best of places. We now present you with the prizes and responsibilities of this year’s award. A now opened Civil Life Growler filled with our just released Common Ale, a scarf, a hat, some change from my pocket, a rock from Spain, a rock I found in the parking lot, Mick Jaggers guitar pic and a pat on the back. From this date until the next anniversary you and only you may request to drink from this chalice and if lips other than yours drink from this chalice during this year in which you reign they will see a demise much like what happened to that jerk guy with the glasses at the end of Raiders of the lost Arc.
Joe Allhoff. You may now drink again from the chalice.
People often ask me why does Civil Life beer taste so good? I say…
This is the genuine Civil Life beer. We know of no brand produced by any other micro or proud macro brewery, which costs so much to brew and age but doesn’t spend a single dollar on advertising and caters only to quality and never to shareholders. Our exclusive malt driven process, produces exquisite, tasteful and sessionable beers you will find in no other beer at even double the price. (obviously tongue in cheek poking the large corporate Belgian Giant)
Joe Allhoff your first responsibility as the recipient of this award is to reveal to the crowd the 2015 logo you drew. We have chosen this as a rightful task of the winner of the “Justine and Pete Hafner Memorial award even though they are still alive award” because the first year we hadn’t really planned for it and couldn’t find something to cut it down, the second year Dylan hung the banner upside down and last year on our third attempt we finally were successful and would like to end our streak on that.
Please, the honor is yours and ours.
Our 2015 logo!
APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE.
Though none of our logos are real people just in case you haven’t noticed. Joe and I both know this logo was undoubtedly inspired by a man both of us knew from my days at the helm of 33. He passed away since our last anniversary. He was the most honorable of men that taught me some of life’s greatest lessons and had a profound affect on many. Listen to each other, do your best to make people laugh and spend your money at small local businesses. Years ago when I confided in him of my grandmothers passing he told me, “Jake, people don’t pass away until all the people they know pass away.” He was the wisest and most fair of men and served as a judge in this city for many years. A man who knew he was the best kind of rich. Rich in friends and those that gathered around him spent a whole lot of money at my first business which undoubtedly allowed me to open this business.
To the great Mike Calvin of Lafayette Square, we raise our pints. Here, here.
To you in this crowd, that believe in what we do. We raise our pints. Here, here.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you for asking for Civil Life beer at every restaurant and pub you go to. Thank you for riding the Civil Life Train and thank you for wasting the last 25 minutes of your life.
We have new shirts being sold inside, we have new coasters and next week we will have new growlers!!!!!!!
Applause, applause, applause applause. Apple Sauce
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Once a year on our anniversary, I give a tongue in cheek “State of the Beer Union Address” which culminates in our releasing a new logo for the year. The guy with two mugs always stays around. We'll cycle through the others from time to time but for the most part we will use the 2015 logo throughout the year. The hope has always been that as the business grew we would add additional characters over the years and everyone would know the year they started coming to the Civil Life. It would also be a visual representation of us gathering people along the way. Our crowd this year must have been well over 2 million, luckily I had ordered 3 portable restrooms this year rather than 2. This is the first time I have posted a speech but something like a thousand people have asked for it. If anyone has a video please let me know.
I would also like to give a special thanks to our staff and the volunteers that worked so hard so I didn’t have to worry about one thing on this day.
All the best and thanks to you for being part of the Civil Life by drinking the Civil Life,
Jake
Captain of the Barley Ship
Polite notice: We have people behind me that hold up the Applause signs, one said Apple Sauce and one was really well written by Dylan’s son. I leave my directions to myself in the speech just in case, I get moving too fast.. The speech usually is deemed finished a few minutes before it is given. This year that was at 2:53 and began at 3:08. One copy is given to Kerry and Colleen who read and hold up the signs at appropriate times. All follow their lead. Kerry said next year, I probably could skip the applause signs as it seems people were doing it enough on their own. I personally will keep them because it lends itself to the light hearted comic nature of what the speech is about.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE, APPLE SAUCE
Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Mr. Beer Whisperer, Dylan Mosley, My lovely wife, Colleen, our incredible employees Brendan, Brandon, Tony, Chris, Joe, Kari, Erin, Brandon, Sadie, Patrick, Kerry Feld, who really doesn’t work here, Michael that also doesn’t work here but made us Jenga Blocks, Larry, Curly, Moe, heads of state, our esteemed Civil Life patrons and a huge we couldn’t do it without you thank you to all the volunteers we have today that are helping us pull off this event.
Today we extend a warm South City welcome to two real live Englishmen guests Kevin and Steve seated by the Union Jack whom after reading about the Civil Life Anniversary Party on the grand interwebs immediately purchased two nonrefundable flights and hopped the pond. RAISE HAND. I must apologize on behalf of the Civil Life if Dylan shakes your hand oddly when he introduces himself today. I had informed him on Tuesday that two chaps from the Mothership were coming to our party. We also received word yesterday that our 7 foot tall Irish Friend Shamus was bringing two guests from a far away place called “Land of the long white cloud.” Some of you call it New Zealand. A warm welcome to Pam and Allen Sycamore, I apologize for not having a New Zealand flag here but we do have this kiwi that Colleen bought this morning for 155 cents.
COLLEEN GIVE KIWI TO THEM Ceremoniously.
There is only one man that has traveled farther today to be here. The great Dylan Mosley has returned from the first ever inter-galactic beer mission we sent him on last year. His presence is evidence of his survival.
There is much good to report this year. Dylan and Brandon, our Beverly Hills 90210 brewers, attended the Great American beer fest in 2014 and brought back a gold medal for our Rye Pale.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLE SAUCE
We have entered 5 beers again this year and Dylan and Brandon will head back to Denver next weekend. They have assured me that they will bring not just 1, not 2, not 3 or 4 but at least 5 shirts that say, “My Beverly Hills 90210 employees went to GABF and all they brought me was 5 of these damn t-shirts.”
In January, we unveiled our unity coaster which depicts people of different skin colors clicking two mugs of beer… a sign that this city that had endured so much is ready to heal but we all know in order to heal we must we heal and move forward together. In April we payed homage to a friend of man-kind, the late Brian Hencel, and re-named one of the best beers the 90210 brewers have ever produced. The Southern English Brown was forever righteously re-named “The Great Hencini” in Brian’s honor.
On June 26th of this year the supreme court of this great land decided that Bert and Ernie could marry legally. On June 28th For the first time since we opened we took down our proud pirate flag and flew the Gay pride St. Louis flag
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE.
We sincerely thank the many gay and lesbian neighbors, friends and drinkers that have supported the Civil Life for so many years. The Civil Life would not exist if it weren’t for your big hearts, your strong livers and of course your disposable income. Among many things, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for caring for St. Louis’ most historic neighborhoods, for the work you did tastefully rehabbing our brick long before Pinterest and Etsy existed. I hope in your eyes this city and it’s civil citizens someday give back to you all you have given to it.
For all that the civil life and it’s patrons have endured, for all the grit and hard work required to get through this past year, for all the tasks that lie ahead, know this.
The State of the Beer Union is strong and the foundation on which this business has been built is as strong as a mighty sycamore tree. (Previous two paragraphs paraphrased from an actual state of the union address)
Applause, Applause Apple Sauce
But we must acknowledge for all the change that has passed over this great land, our work is not done, we have miles to go and millions of beers to drink together. And those seeds of change that began over 4 years ago were set in motion here in this pub on this big blue marble. They were set in motion in God’s or if you are so inclined the Spaghetti Monsters best and most important gift to the world. This here Roman, English, Irish, German inspired pub.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
I must now, ask for your support. An election year is upon us and many, many people are running this year. A two party controlled system is not enough for the people of this great land. So many people are running that last week I turned on the television and I put a shrimp on the Bobby, started cruising the list, by golly Huckabee, I got rick rolled damn near Rand out the door just in time to see Carson and John when I wanted Johnny Carson, and then I saw a man with two first names tie one on, turn beat red and try to fire a bitter Grump who was trying to tell us all that the reason Georgie’s Spanish speaking brother was lacking big energy was because he was caught smoking with Billy and puffed enough of the magic dragon that he looked across the way to the other party to see an old muppet resembling Bernie repeating the same power to the people message he’s been doing for seven years while Hillary, whose been running for 8 years keeps trying to act like she never knew that the infamous low life man named Ben Gazi that sat behind her in college. He was the same Ben Gazi who’s only 15 minutes of fame was playing the actor that drove the terrorist van in Back to the Future. Remember Doc saying ”Marty, the Libyans.”
I might have been wasted while I was wasting time watching that debate. Ladies and Gentleman I realize the onion isn’t sponsoring these debates but I must ask the question, is the Onion sponsoring these debates?
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
The time is now because what other time could it be, I re-affirm my commitment to you and your strong livers, I, Jake Hafner, chief and sole debtor of this great company am running yet again for the head of the National Beer Party.
Our mostly two party system isn’t enough for the people of this great land. We need a strong third party. A party as big and strong as our Big American Stout as nuanced as the Great Hencini and yet as peaceful as the Angel and the S word.
Our platform remains the same,
As your soon to be leader of the National Beer party I will work tirelessly to increase the federal minimum wage so that hard working people will have more money to buy Civil Life Beer, I will work with my lovely wife to improve this great city’s affordable housing so that hard working people will have better places to drink Civil Life Growlers, I will work to reduce the ever increasing cost of college so that students have more money to buy Civil Life Beer, I will work towards a single payer health care system that puts people before profits so those people will have more money to buy Civil Life Beer.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
But my strongest campaign promise is simple, I will save and protect our pubs. In the first year after my election, I pledge to you that the government will be accountable to the same fine level of service you expect from our nations great pubs. Our pubs never shut down due to squabbling and political posturing and when I am elected to lead, Neither will our government. I will insure that your wait in line at any government office is as short as your wait in line at the Civil Life. Our government will follow the high standards our nations great pubs have set. We will be transparent, abolish discontent, fight back the unpleasant, serve 100% and be omnipresent.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
But I need your continued support at the Civil Life so I can have the necessary resources to make this run for office.
It’s you the fearless Civil Life drinker that asks relentlessly for our beer at every pub you go. It’s you that bring your kids here to teach them how to act in pubs. Some of you seem to be doing a better job at this than others. It’s you who let us open in this great neighborhood and It’s you who have moved to the neighborhood because we were here and it’s you that we will not let down. It’s you I think of when we turn the lights on every morning and off every night.
You have taken our malt driven brewery to new heights because this last year was no doubt our pubs best year.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
This past Wednesday, I had a great conversation with our regular Derek that made me think of how far we have come in such short time. We began to discuss the difference between human years, dog years and business years. In human years we have just turned a mere 4, in dog years we are now 28 and in Business years we are 65. But fear not we have no plans to retire. We have no plans to give up this fight. We are just beginning our golden coin years. Our work and your drinking here has really only just begun.
If you come by this pub frequently, which as the pubs owner I whole heartedly recommend, you will find a cadre of Civil Life drinkers. Regulars of this great pub are known to become friends of regulars of this great pub, they become friends of our staff, they form the foundation, the rock of Gibralter on which we will build a bigger even better pub around. Our English friends here will again notice how I effortlessly mentioned a British Overseas territory while we’re in what was once a British overseas territory.
A strong business is built like a massive slow moving train, capable of moving millions of miles and capable of picking up hundreds of thousands of passengers. A train so well built and stable that knocking it off the tracks just isn’t possible. Sure others have at great expense built more expensive trains, spent thousands or millions on promoting their trains, trains with the ability to move across the land at break neck speeds. But it is those trains whose tracks are unsteady that we worry about. You may get on one of these trains some day and get caught up in all the fancy colors and big promotional budgets. One day the train is green, one day it is red, one day it is expensive to ride, one day it isn’t, one day you are on the train and you think is this the train I chose.
All aboard the Civil Life train, Our train is focused. Our train is passionate. Our train is determined. It’s the Big engine that could drink. We have yet one destination. We have yet one goal. We have only one dream.
That any table and any tap list in this great nation of ours isn’t complete until it has Genuine Civil Life Beer!
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
Now is the time, that we will begin a yearly tradition at the Civil Life Brewery in this great South City neighborhood in which we bestow on one great regular the highest honor we as a brewery can give to any one.
The Civil Life time achievement award will be awarded annually to an individual who has shown a selfless commitment to this great pub, this person must be able to consume copious amounts of Civil Life beer, this person must care for the common human and for the common cartoon character, most important this person must be kind to his or her fellow men and women. Each and every year from here to forward, this person will be chosen by a Civil Life Committee consisting of Jacob Hafner and Jake Hafner and that every year Jake Hafner will be solely responsible for presenting this award. Jake Hafner will now present this award. May I have the envelope please. Yes you may. Thank you. SHOW TOP SECRET ENVELOPE TO CROWD
This Civil Life time achievement award from here to forward will be named the “Justine and Pete Hafner Memorial award even though they are still alive award” for their great work in foolishly letting me loose into this world. Once a year on this day as they did for many days while I was growing up, my proud parents try to figure out what happened to me and why I talk so funny. South City English I say.
The green box made in Pakistan please. COLLEEN HOLD BOX TOWARDS ME.
LIFT MUG OUT OF BOX, HOLD UPSIDE DOWN. WAIT. THEN HOLD RIGHT SIDE UP
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
OPEN ENVELOPE. This years winner is Jake Hafner everyone Jake Hafner… ..
BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO
I kid. I kid, I Kid. This years recipient is none other than Dutchtown’s own most honorable citizen Josef Allhoff responsible for making so many of South City more colorful people.
Joe please come up and accept your award.
Applause, applause, Apple sauce.
COLLEEN FILL MUG WITH COMMON ALE
Joe Allhoff it is with great honor we bestow this award on you. You are solely responsible for the incredible logos by which so many millions of people are introduced to us. You are a great supporter of not only this pub and brewery but all the great pubs and all the great breweries in this town. If Joe frequents a pub, you can be sure it is the best of places. We now present you with the prizes and responsibilities of this year’s award. A now opened Civil Life Growler filled with our just released Common Ale, a scarf, a hat, some change from my pocket, a rock from Spain, a rock I found in the parking lot, Mick Jaggers guitar pic and a pat on the back. From this date until the next anniversary you and only you may request to drink from this chalice and if lips other than yours drink from this chalice during this year in which you reign they will see a demise much like what happened to that jerk guy with the glasses at the end of Raiders of the lost Arc.
Joe Allhoff. You may now drink again from the chalice.
People often ask me why does Civil Life beer taste so good? I say…
This is the genuine Civil Life beer. We know of no brand produced by any other micro or proud macro brewery, which costs so much to brew and age but doesn’t spend a single dollar on advertising and caters only to quality and never to shareholders. Our exclusive malt driven process, produces exquisite, tasteful and sessionable beers you will find in no other beer at even double the price. (obviously tongue in cheek poking the large corporate Belgian Giant)
Joe Allhoff your first responsibility as the recipient of this award is to reveal to the crowd the 2015 logo you drew. We have chosen this as a rightful task of the winner of the “Justine and Pete Hafner Memorial award even though they are still alive award” because the first year we hadn’t really planned for it and couldn’t find something to cut it down, the second year Dylan hung the banner upside down and last year on our third attempt we finally were successful and would like to end our streak on that.
Please, the honor is yours and ours.
Our 2015 logo!
APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE.
Though none of our logos are real people just in case you haven’t noticed. Joe and I both know this logo was undoubtedly inspired by a man both of us knew from my days at the helm of 33. He passed away since our last anniversary. He was the most honorable of men that taught me some of life’s greatest lessons and had a profound affect on many. Listen to each other, do your best to make people laugh and spend your money at small local businesses. Years ago when I confided in him of my grandmothers passing he told me, “Jake, people don’t pass away until all the people they know pass away.” He was the wisest and most fair of men and served as a judge in this city for many years. A man who knew he was the best kind of rich. Rich in friends and those that gathered around him spent a whole lot of money at my first business which undoubtedly allowed me to open this business.
To the great Mike Calvin of Lafayette Square, we raise our pints. Here, here.
To you in this crowd, that believe in what we do. We raise our pints. Here, here.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you for asking for Civil Life beer at every restaurant and pub you go to. Thank you for riding the Civil Life Train and thank you for wasting the last 25 minutes of your life.
We have new shirts being sold inside, we have new coasters and next week we will have new growlers!!!!!!!
Applause, applause, applause applause. Apple Sauce
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
